CONTENT — MARINE MAMMAL

The last time I performed at The Railway Hotel was on the 7th of December 2019.

I was the warmup act for Dark Globes who were launching their second album, Somewhere To Land.

Every pub in the UK was forced to close a few months later.

21st March 2020.

What a sad day that was.

Pub gardens open again today.

12th April 2021.

But The Railway Hotel is staying closed.

I’m sad they’re not reopening. Dark Globes will be too. Every member of that band was a regular.

The line-up changed soon after. But when I supported Dark Globes in Dec 2019, they looked like this:

Tom Burgess - Guitar/Vocals

Leighton Jennings - Guitar/Vocals

Richard Onslow - Guitar

Jemma Harwood - Bass Guitar

Brendan O’Hare - Drums

When the The Railway Hotel faced financial difficulty in 2019, it was Tom Burgess who started the crowdfunding campaign that kept the the pub going for another couple of years.

Leighton Jennings built the guitar that hung on the wall by the bar. He runs Leighton's Guitar Workshop and is a fantastic luthier. I know he is because I strummed one of his instruments during my warmup set.

Richard Onslow owns South Records. The record shop on Queens Road. It’s not far from The Railway, and another brilliant place for music in Southend.

Jemma Harwood is a digital designer. She’s also in a band with Fi Nancy Dulake called Thee Oramics. If you’re familiar with The Railway Hotel, then I’m sure you’re aware of Fi Nancy Dulake.

Then there’s Brandan O’Hare. A patron who’s so well loved by The Railway Hotel that he’s mention in the opening paragraph of their Wikipedia page.

I first patroned The Railway Hotel in 2008 when I was studying A Levels at Seevic College.

Dave Dulake had overseen renovation works the previous year and someone my age had hired the newly furbished upstairs room for their 18th birthday party.

I can’t remember who’s birthday it was. I wasn’t really interested. I’d just starting dating my first real girlfriend. She was the subject of my focus that night. She still is.

After Seevic, I took an Art Foundation Course at South East Essex College.

My whole year group exhibited work in The Railway Hotel and some of my classmates worked behind the bar.

A decade later, my good friends Pope Lonergan and Michael Wheeler started organising stand-up comedy nights in Southend. They called it PINTS.

Pope and Michael are both brilliantly funny people.

I’ve respect their comedic abilities since long before they called themselves comedians.

They must find me funny as well because they invited me to perform at PINTS on a recurring basis.

I didn’t have an act at the time.

I’d performed at a few open mic comedy clubs in London, but I didn’t really have any material.

I just got drunk, took to the stage, and saw what happened.

Pope and Michael created a character for me. An unhinged raffle caller with a bag full prizes.

Ewan Barr’s Tombola.

My name was added to the advertising material.

The posters and flyers were brilliant. Works of art. All designed by our friend, Darren Berry.

Some audiences loved my act. Some audiences hated it.

The quality fluctuated wildly. But I certainly made a mark. Quite literally in some cases. On the The Railway walls.

I handed out raffle tickets at the beginning of shows, then came on as the last act. Absolutely bladdered. Swinging a tote bag around my head and screaming the word ‘TOMBOLA!’.

Inside the bag; a bizarre selection prizes.

Samosas. Scratch cards. Pencil sharpeners. Cartoons. Sandwiches. Cakes. Certificates of participation. That sort of thing.

I’d chant as I swung.

YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND, BABY! RIGHT ROUND LIKE A RECORD, BABY!

Then I’d reach into my bag and select a number.

It usually took three or four goes to find a winner brave enough to come up and collect their prize.

Hardly surprising really.

On one occasion I smashed a mid century vintage lamp.

On another occasion I got over excited and jumped on Pope Lonergan’s dad.

On multiple occasions I battered the front row with my tote bag.

The Railway Hotel wasn’t the only place to host PINTS. But that’s where PINTS felt most at home.

That’s where we did our best shows. That’s where I broke a mid century vintage lamp. Jumped on Pope’s dad. And injured people with my tote bag.

PINTS had an edge to it.

The comedian Tony Law described it as a ‘comedy happening’. Which was accurate.

It was chaotic and unpredictable.

Most venues don’t like that sort of thing. But The Railway Hotel never seemed to mind.

We performed upstairs, in the smaller room.

We ran the microphone through a mixing desk that’s jointly owned by Lance Cusack and Tom Burgess. I mentioned Tom earlier (Dark Globes).

Lance Cusack is another great performer. Musician. Comedian. Promoter. Gig organiser and Railway regular.

Lance and Tom used the same room for their night; Shangri-La. They call the room The Shangri-La Room. A lot of other people do too.

We did a PINTS / Shangri-La cross over night once. A mix of comedy and music. I drew the poster for that one.

Heckling wasn’t uncommon at these things.

Sometimes I was the heckler. Especially when Pope was on.

I squirted a bottle of water in his face while he was performing once. That was a pretty big heckle.

He was furious. But it got the biggest laugh of the night. That made him even more furious.

At the PINTS / Shangri-La crossover night. I was the one who got heckled.

As heckles go, it was actually quite a nice heckle.

I’d just told an anecdote about the time I filled 4 empty pint glasses with my own urine whilst attending HIDEAWAY comedy club in Steatham.

After that, I sang a song about dinosaurs.

When I’d finished singing, a lady in the audience vocally informed me that my comedy wasn’t very good, but my music was better.

It was quite useful feedback actually.

I carried on doing comedy for a bit longer, but not much longer.

Me was drinking too much and Pope was struggling to overcome an opiate addiction.

Attempting to channel his addictive tendencies into something more productive - Pope went booking mad and booked us in for more shows than we could possibly deliver.

During the heady World Cup summer of 2018, PINTS were scheduled to appear 21 times in 2 months at TWENTY ONE SOUTHEND. An arts venue on Southend Seafront.

The 21 shows at TWENTY ONE run concurrently with additional PINTS gigs at The Railway Hotel. Chalkwell Hall. And Gypsy Hill Brewery.

On top of all that, Pope was also touring Pope’s Addiction Clinic.

And he was touring The Carehome Tour with Ben Targét.

And he was doing extra gigs as well.

Plus, we all had full-time jobs to do in the meantime.

Pope worked in a care home. Michael worked in a record shop. And I worked in a sixth-form college library.

We burnt ourselves out. We burnt our audience out.

Attendance declined and PINTS slipped into hiatus.

By the end of 2018, I was sick of comedy. I’d had enough PINTS. But looking back on it now, I realise how important it was. For me individually, and for alternative culture in Southend.

The Railway Hotel made it possible.

Most venues would have banned us.

Some venues did ban us.

Well, they banned me anyway.

Michael’s actually very sensible. So I’m sure he’s welcome back anywhere. Me and Pope though. I’m not so sure.

I’ve never been back to check, but I think I might be banned from HIDEAWAY. Not for pissing in their glasses. They seemed to find that funny.

I returned on a separate occasion. Set fire to another comedian’s notebook, then vomited in the doorway on my way out. They didn't find that funny at all.

Pope Lonergan continues to gig relentlessly. He’s a standup machine. During lockdown he’s been piling that same tireless energy into online shows and podcasts.

Pope’s now represented by Hannah Layton Management and is currently writing a book for Penguin. The publisher. Not the biscuit. Nor the emperor.

Michael Wheeler’s represented by United Agents. He cowrote a sitcom script with Steve Whyley called LUNCH BREAK.

LUNCH BREAK won the 2019 BAFTA Rocliffe TV Comedy award. There’s a few commissioners to please first - but you’re definitely gunna see LUNCH BREAK on TV one day.

Loads of great acts performed at PINTS.

Mark Silcox performed for us in the upstairs room at The Railway Hotel. He’s on Channel 4 with Joe Lycett now.

Ross McGrane. He presents a show on BBC Radio Essex.

Richard Sandling. Rob Auton. Kelly Convey. Fred Ferenczi. Ben Targét. Jordan Brookes. Jay Bennett. Lou Sanders. Elf Lyons. Harriet Kelmsley. Helen Duff. Ian Smith. Tony Law. Kat Bond. Jeff Innocent. Mo Omar. Mawaan Rizwan. Akin Omobitan. Jen Wakefield. Si Davis. Loose Brie. Nathan Cassidy. Lauren Pattison. Evelyn Mok. Candi Gigi. Red Richardson. Olga Koch. Chris Stokes. Barry Ferns. Joshua Robertson. Lenny Sherman. Helen Bauer. Abbie Murphy. Joe Jacobs. Ross Smith. Simon Caine. Matthew Highton. Andrea Hubert. Ali Woods. David Mciver. Lynn Ruth Miller. And loads more acts that I’ve forgotten.

A few gigs got cancelled. But I can’t remember which ones.

Maddie Mehlums did a couple of sets with us. She worked behind the bar at The Railway Hotel, so popped upstairs to perform during one of her shifts.

Maddie’s in Thee Oramics with Fi and Jemma as well (amongst other bands).

Brendan O’Hare did a set.

Bloody loads of people did a set.

Amongst my personal favourites were Lynn Ruth Miller, Jeff Innocent, and Fred Ferenczi.

All of them at The Railway Hotel.

Fred seemed to get where we were coming from artistically. His humour suited us, and I think he enjoyed what we were doing.

Being funny isn’t about jokes. It’s about delivery. And I’ve never seen anyone deliver anything quite like Fred Ferenczi.

Lynn Ruth Miller was 70 years old when she started performing stand-up comedy.

She was 85 when she performed for PINTS at The Railway Hotel.

When I offered to buy her a drink after the show, she handed me and an empty coffee flask.

Then she asked me to fill it up with white wine so that she could drink it on the train back to Stamford Hill.

I dutifully obliged.

When Jeff Innocent came down to Southend. He pointed out the madness of booking acts - like him - for hundreds of pounds each, and then charging people £3 to watch them in a room that’s too small to possibly break even.

The audience found that very funny.

Jeff’s PINTS set wasn’t dissimilar to the one I’ve embedded below - filmed by Hot Water Comedy Club.

I don’t perform standup comedy any more. My act was unsustainable.

If you play the drunk for long enough, you eventually just become one.

When I supported Dark Globes in 2019. They booked me as a musician. Not a comedian.

Primarily though, I’m a cartoonist.

Cartoons featured prominently in my comedy routines. They’re central to my musical endeavours as well.

Writing rock music. Drawing cartoons. They both require the same skill. The ability to compress information.

The ability to covert complicated ideas into simple lines.

Lines of lyrics. Lines of ink.

The two disciplines are on the same page ideologically as well.

You only need a couple of chords to start a rock band. You only need a pen to draw cartoons.

If you’ve got two chords and pen. Then why not do both?

On the subject of cartoons and music. I did some good work for a band called Ghost Music a few years ago. A tour poster and a music video.

I designed a few stickers for them as well.

I ended up doing the work for Ghost Music because I was in a different band with one of their members. A guy called Lee Hall.

Several years ago. Me and the bae’s cousin - Steve Shrubsole - decided to start a band whilst attending a family wedding.

Steve’s known Lee for years, so invited him to join on drums.

Another longtime friend of Steve’s - Michael Bazley - joined on keyboard.

We called ourselves Silver Pog.

Lee’s been playing in bands around Southend continuously since the mid-nineties. So he had a few contacts.

Lee put us in touch with a guy called John Hannon. Another face you might have seen in The Railway Hotel. Sipping half pints with his hat on.

John runs a recording studio in Rayleigh.

No! - that’s the name of John’s studio.

It’s in the oldest building on a former mushroom farm. The building was originally converted into a music studio by a former member of Dr. Feelgood. A guy called Phil Mitchell. Lol.

We practiced in John’s studio every week and managed to record a live album before Steve moved to Poland.

After Steve left, I carried on practicing at No! with a different band. NEON LADY. Consisting of Me, Tarn, Greg Nocturnal, and Keir Taiani. Guys I’ve known since school.

We’ve been going for a few years now and sponsor our local football team. Rayleigh FC.

It was actually NEON LADY who were invited to support Dark Globes on December 7th 2019. But Greg and Tarn weren’t available.

During all the PINTS madness, I was a librarian. I worked in a sixth form college in Hackney. A place called BSix.

I commuted to Upper Clapton every day, then gigged in the evenings. It was pretty gruelling.

Whilst working at BSix, I taught myself how to use Photoshop. It was preinstalled on all of the library computers. I began using it to colour my cartoons. I printed some of them off to give away as tombola prizes.

When the BSIX library team got made redundant in 2019, I decided to work closer to home.

Steve Shrubsole’s back in Essex now. But while he was away, I infiltrated his friendship group and nicked a load of his friends.

One of the guys in Shrub’s friendship group is a guy named Steve Reynolds, who’s also a friend of Micheal Wheeler’s.

Steve Reynolds and his wife Michelle opened a craft beer bar in Southend around the same time that I was being made redundant.

Michelle’s been working in hospitality for years. She’s fantastic at it. And really great company.

When Steve discovered his passion for craft beer, he quit working for a record shop so that the two of them could open a bar together.

Craftwerk Beers.

I applied for a job there and they gave me one.

During one of my shifts, they let me take an hour long break so that I could pop over to The Railway Hotel and play a gig there.

It was halloween. So I played in fancy dress.

On that night I was warming up for Warm Boys at a night called Pink Flamingo. Organised by Simon Gentry and Will Bray. Another pair of local legends.

After the gig, I went straight back to pulling pints in Craftwerk.

Watching Steve and Michelle fulfil their dream made me want to fulfil mine.

So I left ‘em to become a self-employed cartoonist.

I still go back to host The Craftwerk Quiz though!

The Craftwerk Quiz is actually quite similar to the Tombola act I performed with PINTS at The Railway Hotel. Just with less drinking and more shouting.

2 hours of shouting instead of 15 minutes.

Me and the bae moved during lockdown

When I was at Craftwerk, I travelled in from Rayleigh.

Now we’re in Southend.

When we moved. I imagined us walking to The Railway Hotel together. We’re both herbivores, and both big fans of their vegan fish and chips.

During a previous lunchtime visit to The Railway Hotel - Jump Up and Join In happened to be happening at the same time.

If you haven’t heard of Jump Up and Join In before, this is how they describe themselves on Facebook:

I thought it was brilliant.

It was actually the inspiration behind my final permanence at The Railway Hotel. The one with Dark Globes.

As I mentioned earlier, the members of NEON LADY weren’t available for that gig. So I brought some extra instruments with me and invited members of the audience to jump up and join me on stage.

Brendan O’Hare jumped up.

Steve Taylor jumped up for one as well. He’s another Railway face. He knows his way round a mixing desk and he’s a really nice fella.

TomBurgess · Steve Taylor - Mildsensations

A guy called Martin Cutmore jumped up and joined me as well. I hadn’t met him before, but spoke to him after. A top bloke and the proud owner of a Leighton Jennings guitar.

The Railway Hotel has played a major role in alternative nightlife in Southend. And it’s meant a lot of things to a lot of people. Far more than I’ve mentioned.

I’m currently collaborating on a project called Jangletown.

It’s being coordinated by Hello You. They’re an events team comprising of music producer John Hannon. Who I spoke about earlier. And Amy McKbloom.

Amy co-founded TAP Gallery. An art gallery on North Road that’s since been renamed The Old Waterworks.

She also helped to organise The Southend Art Trail a few years ago when I exhibited a load of my cartoons in The Alex. Another pub in Southend.

My friend Mia Stannard was exhibiting her work in The Alex at the same time.

With the Jangletown project, Hello You want to document an independent music scene that’s been prominent in Southend for over 20 years and stems from the legacy of a band called Beatglider - who were briefly signed to a subsidiary of Sony Records in the early noughties.

Matt Randall - who was in Beatglider and now performs under the name Plantman - is putting together a compilation album. And I’m writing/illustrating a zine about the scene’s history.

Hello You are going to release both the album, and the zine, alongside a series of live events.

No dates have been set so far. But It’s gunna happen at some point when live performances are allowed to take place again.

There’s a lot of bands involved in Jangletown. And pretty much all of them played at The Railway Hotel. Multiple times.

Most bands in Southend have played there at one time or another.

It’s closure leaves a cultural void.

Whatever happens to the building next, I’m pleased to have known it for what it was.

And whatever happens to those wonderful people who made it what it was - I hope that they never ever ever have to buy their own drinks ever again.

If you see them out. If you see Dave Dulake. If you see Fi Nancy Dulake. If you see RJ Learmouth. If you see James Vessey-Miller. If you see anyone who’s ever pulled a pint behind that sacred bar. BUY THEM A DRINK!

And if they ask for a soft drink. RESPECT THEIR LIVERS! and buy them a soft drink.

And if they don’t want a drink at all. Then buy them something else. Buy them some falafel. Buy them some tofu. Buy them a fucking house if you want to.

Just to do something to let them know how much you appreciate their enduring contribution to the cultural fabric of Southend-on-Sea.

Be it gin or J20. Beer or a bungalow. Always remember to raise the toast:

HERE’S TO THE RAILWAY HOTEL!!!!